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Dr. John Gottman’s 50 years of research with thousands of couples reveals that lasting love isn’t about finding someone perfect—it’s about finding someone perfectly suited to grow alongside you. The couples who thrive together share specific patterns of connection, communication, and commitment that we can actually measure and recognize. But how do you know if they are the one? It’s looking at your daily interactions, your quiet moments, and the way you navigate life’s inevitable storms together that will tell you if it’s a person you can have a successful relationship with.
Understanding What ‘The One’ Really Means
Myth vs. Reality: Soulmates and Compatibility
The idea of ‘the one’ or having a soulmate is not based in reality. Finding someone who you can develop a deep friendship with, who is willing to grow, evolve and be emotionally present are the keys to a successful relationship. So- called ‘soulmate’ connection isn’t about dramatic passion; it’s about sustainable intimacy built on friendship, respect, and genuine compatibility. Lasting love is less about finding someone who completes you and more about finding someone who complements you—someone whose strengths balance your weaknesses, whose values align with yours, and whose presence in your life makes you want to be the best version of yourself.
Is ‘The One’ a Single Person or a Choice?
There isn’t just one perfect person for you somewhere in the world. Instead, compatibility is something you build together through conscious choices, shared experiences, and mutual commitment to growth.
Think about it this way—you might be compatible with several people, but “the one” is the person you choose to build a life with, day after day. It’s the person you turn toward instead of away from during conflicts. It’s the person whose hand you reach for during both celebrations and sorrows.
So with that reframe, let’s look at indications that you are with ‘the one’.
Are They the One?
1. You Enjoy Spending Time Together
True connection doesn’t always feel like fireworks. Often, it feels like coming home. You know you’ve found something special when being together feels as natural as breathing—when you can sit in comfortable silence, when your partner’s presence soothes your nervous system rather than activating it.
This deep comfort isn’t about settling or lacking passion. It’s about being able to navigate life as a team and having a mutual commitment to your relationship and each other’s individual well-being. Research shows that couples with lower baseline stress hormones when together have significantly higher relationship satisfaction and longevity.
2. You Have Open and Honest Communication with Emotional Vulnerability
When you’ve found your person, difficult conversations don’t feel like walking through a minefield. You can share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of explosive reactions or emotional withdrawal. This doesn’t mean you never disagree—it means you disagree productively.
Most problems in a relationship will not be solved- in fact 69% of relationship problems are perpetual. This means that successful couples learn to navigate these issues even while disagreeing. Learning to communicate through conflict productively is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
True intimacy requires emotional vulnerability, and intimate relationships create space for this authenticity. You can share your fears, insecurities, and deepest thoughts without judgment. You can cry, laugh, be silly, or be serious—all of it is welcome.
This vulnerability builds over time as trust deepens. You’ll notice that you share things with this person that you’ve never told anyone else, and they do the same with you. This emotional intimacy becomes one of the strongest bonds between you.
3. Your Core Values and Future Goals Align
You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to align on what matters most. When you’ve found the right person, your fundamental values about family, career, spirituality, and life priorities complement each other in meaningful ways.
This alignment becomes especially clear when you discuss the future. You both want similar things—whether that’s children, career ambitions, lifestyle choices, or how you want to spend your golden years. There’s a natural flow to these conversations rather than constant negotiation or compromise that leaves one person feeling unheard.
4. Mutual Trust and Respect Are Strong Foundations
Trust in a relationship goes beyond fidelity. It’s the confidence that your partner has your best interests at heart, that they’ll keep their word, and that they respect your boundaries and decisions. This trust is built through countless small actions over time.
Gottman’s research shows that trust is built in “sliding door moments“—those small instances when your partner can choose to turn toward you or away from you. In healthy relationships, partners turn toward each other 86% of the time.
You know you’ve found this level of trust when your partner’s success genuinely excites you, when you can be vulnerable without fear of it being used against you later, and when you feel secure in their commitment even during difficult times.
5. You Can Navigate Conflicts Constructively
Here’s a crucial truth: finding “the one” doesn’t mean never fighting. It means fighting well. Gottman’s research reveals that successful couples have conflicts—they just handle them differently than couples who eventually divorce.
When you’re with the one, conflicts feel like problems to solve together rather than battles to win. You both take responsibility for your part, you focus on specific behaviors rather than character attacks, and you’re both motivated to repair and reconnect after disagreements.
6. You Support Each Other’s Personal Growth
A healthy intimate relationship creates space for both people to evolve and grow. Your partner celebrates your successes, supports your dreams, and encourages you to become the best version of yourself—even when that growth feels challenging or uncertain.
This mutual support for growth is what relationship expert Dr. Julie Gottman calls ‘supporting your partner’s dreams.’ It’s about being genuinely interested in your partner’s goals and finding ways to support them, even when those dreams don’t directly benefit you.
Watch for this: Does your partner light up when you talk about your aspirations? Do they ask thoughtful questions about your goals? Do they make sacrifices to help you pursue what matters to you? And do you feel the same enthusiasm for their dreams?
7. They Bring Out the Best Version of You
When you’re with the right person, you’ll notice that you like who you are in the relationship. You feel more generous, more patient, more joyful. Your partner’s love and acceptance create a safe space for your best qualities to flourish.
This isn’t about changing yourself to please them—it’s about feeling so secure and appreciated that your natural goodness has room to grow. You find yourself being kinder, more adventurous, more confident, or more peaceful because their love gives you permission to be fully yourself.
8. Your Friends and Family Notice Your Happiness
While you shouldn’t choose a partner based solely on others’ opinions, it’s significant when people who love you notice positive changes in your happiness and behavior. Your closest friends and family members often have valuable perspective on your relationship patterns.
Pay attention to comments like “You seem so much more relaxed lately” or “I love seeing you this happy.” These observations from people who know you well can confirm what you’re feeling internally.
Of course, sometimes family dynamics are complicated, and approval isn’t always a reliable indicator. But when people who genuinely want the best for you consistently notice your increased joy and peace, it’s worth considering.
9. Moments Apart Strengthen Your Connection
Healthy relationships have a beautiful quality: time apart actually enhances your appreciation for each other. You maintain your individual identities, friendships, and interests, which keeps the relationship fresh and prevents codependency.
You miss them when they’re gone, but you don’t feel anxious or incomplete. Instead, you feel excited to share your experiences when you reunite. This balance of togetherness and independence is what Dr. Gottman calls “interdependence”—a hallmark of mature, lasting love.
10. Your Relationship Is Balanced, Healthy, and Secure
When you’re with the right person, your relationship isn’t dramatic or tumultuous. It is characterized by emotional security, mutual respect, and healthy boundaries. You feel safe to be yourself, confident in your partner’s commitment, and secure in the relationship’s stability.
This security allows both of you to take risks, pursue dreams, and handle life’s challenges because you know you have a solid foundation to return to. The relationship becomes a source of strength rather than stress.
Common Misconceptions About Finding ‘The One’
The Myth of Love at First Sight
Hollywood has sold us a beautiful lie: that we’ll know instantly when we meet “the one.” The reality, according to decades of relationship research, is far more nuanced and actually more romantic.
Dr. Gottman’s longitudinal studies show that the most successful marriages have a foundation of strong friendship. The couples who report “knowing immediately” are no more likely to have lasting marriages than those who fell in love slowly.
Consider this: instant attraction is often based on chemistry and projection rather than genuine compatibility. Real love—the kind that lasts—is built through shared experiences, weathered storms, and countless moments of choosing each other.
Having Doubts Doesn’t Mean They’re Not the One
It might be surprising to learn that having occasional doubts about your relationship doesn’t mean they are not ‘the one’. In fact, the complete absence of doubt might be more concerning than periodic uncertainty.
Healthy doubt often reflects your wisdom and caution about making life’s biggest decision. It shows you’re taking the commitment seriously rather than rushing in blindly. The key is distinguishing between productive doubt (questioning compatibility or timing) and destructive doubt (constant anxiety or chronic dissatisfaction).
Productive doubt asks questions like: “Are we ready for this next step?” or “How do we handle this difference in our life goals?” Destructive doubt sounds like: “I’m not sure I love them” or “Maybe someone better is out there.”
Practical Steps to Figure Out If They Are ‘The One’
Reflect on Your Relationship Dynamics
Take time for honest self-reflection about your relationship patterns. Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you turn toward each other during stress, or do you turn away?
- When your partner shares good news, do you respond with genuine enthusiasm?
- How do you both handle conflict—with respect or with criticism and defensiveness?
Create space for reflection without your partner present. Journal about your observations, and pay attention to patterns rather than isolated incidents. Look for consistent themes in how you interact, support each other, and navigate challenges together.
Seek Feedback and Insight
Sometimes we’re too close to our own situation to see clearly. Trusted friends and family members who’ve observed your relationship over time can offer valuable perspective.
Ask specific questions:
- “How do you see me when I’m with them?”
- “What have you noticed about how we interact?”
- “Do you think we bring out the best in each other?”
Listen to their observations without defensiveness, considering their insights as additional data rather than the final word.
Considering Professional Relationship Counseling
Premarital or relationship counseling can provide invaluable clarity about your compatibility and readiness for long-term commitment. A trained professional can help you explore important topics you might not have considered and teach you tools for building a strong foundation.
This isn’t about fixing problems—it’s about understanding your relationship dynamics more deeply and preparing for lifelong partnership. Many couples find that this process actually strengthens their confidence in their choice to be together.
Recognizing Healthy Relationship Patterns vs. Red Flags
Uncertainty is normal, but it’s important to distinguish between healthy caution and genuine red flags. Healthy relationships include occasional disagreements, minor incompatibilities, and normal relationship stress. Red flags include patterns of disrespect, inability to resolve conflicts, fundamental value misalignment, or feeling worse about yourself in the relationship.
Pay attention to your gut feelings over time. Do you generally feel good about yourself and your future when you’re with this person? Do you feel respected, valued, and supported? These feelings matter more than surface-level compatibility.
How and When to Trust Your Instincts
Your intuition is often wiser than you realize. If something feels off, explore that feeling rather than dismissing it. Conversely, if your heart feels at peace despite minor doubts, trust that too.
Sometimes our instincts are colored by past experiences or unrealistic expectations. Consider whether your concerns are based on genuine incompatibility or fear of commitment. Talking with a counselor can help you sort through these feelings with clarity and wisdom.
Final Thoughts
Are they ‘the one’? Finding the right person isn’t about discovering someone who’s perfect—it’s about finding someone who’s perfect for you. It’s about recognizing compatibility, building trust, and choosing each other repeatedly through all of life’s seasons.
Dr. Gottman’s research gives us hope: lasting love is possible, and it’s built through intentional actions, mutual respect, and genuine friendship. The signs are there if you know how to look for them, woven into your daily interactions and your responses to life’s challenges.
Trust yourself to recognize love when you find it. Trust your ability to build something beautiful with the right person. And remember—the best relationships aren’t found; they’re created by two people who choose to love each other well, day after day.
